Posted by Matt Field

This is part of the all new Prevent Defense series, examining football, women and relationships. Some call it football humor, some just don’t get it.

One Man’s Perspective

1. The Ring

In football, you earn a ring that’s worth five figures for being the best.

In marriage, you buy a ring for someone else that’s worth four to five figures simply to avoid being the worst.

2. The Market

Rocky football season? No problem, just improve the situation by hitting the market during the offseason and picking up some fresh young prospects.

Rocky marriage? You probably want to avoid picking up fresh young prospect. In fact, that can come back and haunt your salary cap later on during the divorce hearings.

3. Watch and Grow

Improving in football includes watching tape of more football and attending football games.

Improving your marriage often means watching crap like Grey’s Anatomy and attending youth soccer games.

4. History

The more teams you’ve been with prior to your current club can mean the more diversified and experienced you are.

The more women you’ve been with prior to your marriage…well, technically it’s still “the more diversified and experienced you are” but the implications are very different.

5. The Personnel

In football, you have the freedom to solve problems by firing a head coach, benching a quarterback, or releasing a player. If your fourth-year kicker is hurting the team by not living up to expectations, he’s gone.

With marriage, you’re imprisoned to working on problems by attending family counseling, communicating better, or trying to change certain behaviors. If your fourth grade son is stressing out the family by not doing what he’s told, there’s no waiving him. It’s like he has a guaranteed contract…

6. The Offseason

One has it and the other doesn’t. Pretty straight forward.

7. The Prep Period

If you go 0-4 in the preseason and screw things up every which way, it’s no big deal because it doesn’t count. You still head into the regular season on the same level as everyone else.

But if you anger her routinely during your engagement and screw things up every which way, it is a big enough deal that all bets can be off. You don’t head into your wedding with a clean slate because there no longer is a wedding. The NFL preseason is a test that you can’t fail. Your engagement is a test that you can’t fail.

8. The Officials

As a football player, when you make a mistake and draw a penalty flag, your head coach complains. A referee tells you what you did wrong and marks off the appropriate yardage for you. Then you replay the down. Pretty simple. Penalties can hurt, but at least they’re over and done with.

When you screw up as a husband and draw a sit down conversation, your wife complains. An expensive marriage counselor tells you what you did wrong and highlights some areas in your life to work on. Oh, and those areas to work on can’t simply be stepped off – and they don’t come with a replayed down, either. They’re a painful, drawn out “growing process.”

9. The Timing

If you’re standing at the line of scrimmage ready to play the next down and the quarterback is still in the huddle and just won’t finish calling the play, you can trust that a five-yard delay of game penalty will hurry his ass up.

If you’re sitting in the driveway ready to go to the company picnic and the wife is still in the bathroom and just won’t finish doing her hair, you can trust that you’ll be sitting in that driveway for God knows how long.

10. The Timing Part II

At the same time, if a play is over and you’re just ready to go back to the sideline, you know that there is a 15-yard personal foul penalty for anyone who continues to go at it afterwards.

If you’re at that company picnic and just ready to go home, you know there is a 15-minute waiting period (minimum) while “the Mrs.” Continues to jabber with uninteresting friends and colleagues.